Frankenstein’s Utensil

Sporks aren’t valid.

Max Larsen, Sports Editor

Sporks are the most useless and uncomfortable utensil. The fork aspect of the utensil interferes with eating “spoon foods,” and the absolute uselessness of the fork portion is laughable. Neither the spoon nor the fork is as effective as just using a spoon or a fork for eating meals.

The inventor of the spork is a man named Samuel W. Francis. According to Mental Floss, Francis was a doctor, a society man, a novelist, a philanthropist, and a prolific idea man.  He has talent and passion, as it can take up to nine or more years of college to become a doctor—just one of Francis’s professions. For a man of such knowledge, you would think he would be smart enough to avoid making the most absolutely useless and disturbing object in history.

In an experiment I conducted, I found that the fork length of a child-sized spork is only .25 of an inch. My experiment also showed that the fork length on the adult-sized spork is still .25 of an inch. Later, I conducted a second experiment. I found the average baby carrot width is around half (0.6) of an inch. This means that the spork can only fit through roughly half of a baby carrot; this is not enough to secure the baby carrot onto the utensil. While nobody eats baby carrots with a spork, spoon, or fork, baby carrots are on the thicker side of the fork-needed foods and show a tragic disconnect between spork producers and consumers.

After measuring a regular spoon, my findings show that a regular child spoon is 2 inches is length, while an adult spoon is 2.5 inches in length. This means you are losing .25 inches spoon length if you are using a spork to eat spoon food. I also was able to conclude that a child fork is 2 inches long, while an adult fork is 2.5 inches long, the same length as a spoon. This means that if you were to eat a fork food using a spork, you would be losing 1.75 inches of fork length using a child fork, and 2.25 inches of lost fork using an adult fork.

Furthermore, on Amazon, you can purchase a 12-piece fork set by Hiware made using stainless steel for $11.99. This means that one fork is $1. Hiware also offers the same deal but with spoons on Amazon. This means that one stainless steel spoon is also $1. However, Xesea offers a 6-pack of stainless steel sporks for $11.99, which means that one spork is $2. As a consensus, if you were to spend a combined cost of $24 on spoons and forks, you could get 24 utensils, while if you were to spend $11.99 on sporks, you would only get six. If the purchases were set equal, you would be spending $24 to get 24 utensils with the spoons and forks combined, and for the exact same price only get 12 utensils if buying only sporks. It is simply not worth it. In conclusion, if you were, for who knows what reason, to buy the stainless-steel sporks, you would be spending more to get less.

While using the useless utensil known as a spork, you lose quality spoon length for spoon food, and quality tine length for fork food. The design of the utensil grants no advantage to eating any food, and takes away from your food experience. No benefit is achieved, only loss and internal emptiness as your soup slips between the spork tines.