Here’s the answer to the age-old debate of the best Thanksgiving dish–no lies, no satire, straight-up truth. So, what is the best dish, you ask; Stuffing? Pie? Cranberries? No dear reader., The true winner of Thanksgiving dinner is plates. Everybody loves plates, I mean, what is Thanksgiving without them? Maybe you’ll try to make excuses by saying “you can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey!” I say no, because what does the turkey sit on? The dead (mediocre, at best) bird is nothing without sitting on the beautiful, ornate, shiny, smooth, porcelain creation known as a plate.

That’s right, your perfect little turkey is nothing without plates. All your Thanksgiving efforts are for not without a plate to serve them on. Did you spend 12 hours slow-roasting your turkey? Or maybe you microwaved your stuffing last second? None of it matters without the plate. It all serves to  emphasize that plates are the true MVP, I mean just look at them, they’re perfect. Anyone who disagrees must be delusional; plates are the best dish, no doubt about it. 

Tired of people ignoring your boring recipes? Bring out those perfect polished plates! No longer will you be harassed for your “burnt” pumpkin pie! (I mean, it wasn’t even that burnt.) Listen, if you bring plates, no one can judge you for being lazy because you have the plates! No one can eat food without you (assuming you don’t surround yourself with those who behave like Neanderthals’–and that’s another problem entirely). The point is, all of the other dishes suck and plates are the best. Paper or not, even your picky nephew will like the plate.

Now, let’s talk about what you should do next Thanksgiving: you should bring plates. Whatever plate your heart desires is the right plate, because all plates are utterly perfect. Whether it’s paper, porcelain, wooden, or plastic, any plate is better than bringing a stupid side like corn or something. With sides, you can’t guarantee everyone (if anyone, depending on whose reading this) will like the side. This isn’t a problem with plates however, you can’t dislike plates, right? It’s impossible to dislike plates. You may assume this comes from a place of bias, especially as I am a plate enthusiast, but I can ensure that this is in no way shape or form biased. I’m not biased, trust me I’m reliable. 

Aside from how unbiased I am, are you ready to bring plates to your next Thanksgiving get-together yet? Well, I’m not finished. Plates’ rightful spot as the best Thanksgiving dish was right in front of our noses the whole time! Here’s my non-cherry-picked definition from the Webster dictionary. According to Merriam Webster , dishes are “all the things [plates, utensils, glasses, and pots] that are used to prepare, serve, or eat a meal.” Plates have been fighting, and winning, a pointless battle for years. That turkey doesn’t help serve or eat meals, does it now? 

Plates have had their title as the best Thanksgiving dish torn away from them and I won’t stand for it. This is plate discrimination and it makes my blood boil that no one is doing anything about it. If I haven’t changed your mind, no one will. Seriously, how could you disagree?